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00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:05,500
A playground full of happy children,
unaware that a monster lurks among them.

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00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:06,650
Its name?

3
00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:07,870
Cooties.

4
00:00:08,820 --> 00:00:10,560
Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

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00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,919
Every year, over three million of our
young people contract cooties because

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00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:16,970
don't know the facts.

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00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:20,480
Fact! You can't get cooties from a
toilet seat.

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00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,860
Fact! You can't get cooties from a
swing.

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00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,320
How do you get cooties?

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00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:29,720
By talking to or coming in contact
with...

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00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:31,740
A member of the opposite sex.

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00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,080
I thought it was okay to talk to Bobby
Bishop.

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00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:38,400
He didn't look like the kind of boy who
carried cooties.

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00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,860
Fact. All boys have cooties.

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00:00:40,861 --> 00:00:44,779
Here at the Center for Imaginary Disease
Control, we're working around the clock

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to find a cure.

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00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,620
Ten years and 60 million dollars later,
here's what we've learned.

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00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:55,499
The most virulent strain comes when
you're touched by a boy or girl who

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likes you.

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So please support your local Cooties
Foundation.

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And with your help, someday we'll be
able to say to Cooties, yeah, yeah,

22
00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:07,360
you're it.

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All this energy calling me.

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Back where it comes from.

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It's such a crude attitude.

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It's back where it belongs.

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All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

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00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:44,589
Living in sin with a safety pin go
Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks,

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00:01:44,590 --> 00:01:51,150
Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks,
Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks.

30
00:02:06,971 --> 00:02:10,629
Congratulations. You're a cheerleader.

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00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:14,049
You're going to get whatever you want in
your life because you're pretty and,

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00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,290
let's face it, limber.

33
00:02:15,950 --> 00:02:19,789
Now, cheerleading isn't just for high
school. It's a skill you'll use

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00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:20,870
your whole life.

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00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:26,089
As your new president, I promise a
bipartisan approach. Hey, hey,

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00:02:26,090 --> 00:02:28,170
can all just kiss my ass. Just kiss it.

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00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:29,970
Pucker up and kiss it.

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00:02:45,740 --> 00:02:50,000
I might walk a little funny, but my walk
is me. I might start it when I talk,

39
00:02:50,001 --> 00:02:53,539
but I say what I see. I don't want to be
with every other little thing that's

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proven. I do a lot of things that I
shouldn't be doing.

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00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:00,899
I'm doing everything you might have had
in mind. I'm a consistent, belligerent,

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00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:01,980
solidified mind.

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00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:07,140
Rhyme's no freak, suburban star. I ain't
got no money and I got no car.

44
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,659
I might make far, but it don't take
much. You gotta ride very far, cause the

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00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:15,739
ride on luck. I stay pretty stuck in the
rut like I should. You know, I do

46
00:03:15,740 --> 00:03:18,220
prefer the love of everything that's
still good.

47
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:22,460
I don't know why I come here, but I know
I'll never leave.

48
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:27,460
It's the only place I wanna be, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

49
00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:33,140
I don't know why I come here, but I know
I'll never leave.

50
00:03:34,190 --> 00:03:38,169
It's the only place I wanna be, yeah,
yeah, yeah

51
00:03:38,170 --> 00:03:50,150
Oh,

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00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:54,629
I'm a long way gone, but I ain't short
-lived I got deep, deep pockets that

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00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:58,749
like a sieve I get one ticket throughout
the course of the night If I don't go

54
00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:03,040
home, you know I did things right I'd
like to see my dad die I ain't that guy.

55
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:07,160
Everything I ever did, I always did on
the fly. I like to ride the wave.

56
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,260
It ain't that tough. Piling through a
lot of stuff, I do just enough.

57
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:15,599
I drive in a place you might see up
there. There ain't nothing you can ever

58
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to make me give up.

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00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:20,759
Stay pretty stuck in the rut like I
should. You know, I do it for the love

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00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,280
everything that's still good.

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00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:26,540
Don't know why I come here, but I know I
never leave.

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00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,520
It's the only place I wanna be, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

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I don't know why I come here, but I know
I'd never leave.

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00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:42,260
It's the only place I wanna be, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

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00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:47,739
I like to sit down and do them bars, but
my street car straight don't stretch

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00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:48,790
too far.

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00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,339
On the move, going nowhere fast, and you
can tell the whole world they kiss

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00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:58,529
my... I'll take a pass, be the last in
line. If it takes ten years, I'm gonna

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just fine.

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00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:03,829
Oh, I saw the signs, the grass ain't
green. If I love, then the bottom of a

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00:05:03,830 --> 00:05:04,880
bottle of bean.

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00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:10,169
To go McLean just seems so jaded. If
being undirected's underrated, but I

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hate it. I'll stay stuck in the rut like
I should, and I do it for the love of

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00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:15,650
everything that's still good.

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00:05:15,850 --> 00:05:19,850
Don't know why I come here, but I know I
never leave.

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00:05:20,950 --> 00:05:24,890
It's the only place I wanna be, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

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00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:30,550
I don't know why I come here, but I know
I never leave.

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00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:35,910
I don't know why I come here, but I know
I never leave.

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00:05:36,710 --> 00:05:41,290
I don't know why I come here, but I know
I never leave.

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00:05:42,130 --> 00:05:46,270
It's the only place I wanna be, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

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00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:48,950
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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00:06:03,390 --> 00:06:07,090
Crackers! Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!
Crackers! Crackers!

83
00:06:09,890 --> 00:06:12,990
What's a three -letter word for an Asian
mammal?

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00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:15,260
I don't know.

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00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:16,420
Yak.

86
00:06:17,630 --> 00:06:19,390
Yep, that's what I have.

87
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,480
Hey, rookie, have a seat.

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00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,900
You're going back to high school.

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00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:28,210
What? Yep.

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00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,660
You're going undercover.

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00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,899
Word on the street is some students at
Central High are experimenting with

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illegal drugs.

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00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,719
If we stop it here, perhaps we can keep
it from spreading to our nation's

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00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,040
treasured jazz musicians.

95
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,040
Wow. So I'm finally going undercover.

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00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,780
That's right. From now on, you're just
another student.

97
00:06:53,930 --> 00:06:54,980
What's up, Gene?

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00:06:56,390 --> 00:06:57,440
What's the dillio?

99
00:07:00,790 --> 00:07:02,510
Man, those threads are the bitch.

100
00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:09,720
Yo,

101
00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:13,220
yo, my homies. I would like to purchase
some marijuana cigarettes.

102
00:07:13,810 --> 00:07:15,950
What are you, crazy man? You're a cop.

103
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:19,610
Please. Would a police officer wear his
hat like this?

104
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This is great.

105
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,550
According to your report, nobody in high
school is using drugs.

106
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,010
No, nobody.

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00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:32,580
They fornicate like rabbits, but no
drugs.

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00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:36,210
Okay, well, we have a new assignment for
you.

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00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,940
According to an anonymous tip, the mob
is involved in some illegal activities.

110
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:46,120
Please. Would a police officer be
wearing a fedora? Forget about it.

111
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:12,500
Thank you.

112
00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:37,270
It was juvenile.

113
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,549
It was something wild.

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Part of every child.

115
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Yeah, you had to be there. Tough and
tough.

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It was peace and love.

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All of the above.

118
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Yeah, you had to be there.

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I can't stand so full of it.

120
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Don't tell me.

121
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It's something that you never knew.

122
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You strangers ain't a stranger.

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Always reaching for the other hand.

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You were hard to understand.

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It was you and I.

126
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It was something wild. Part of every
child.

127
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Yeah, you had to be there for Santa.

128
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,580
It was peace and love, all of the above.

129
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Yeah, yeah, that's what we did.

130
00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:20,200
Hello everybody.

131
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At the water.

132
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I want you to stay with me.

133
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Get to be there.

134
00:10:39,610 --> 00:10:41,590
Get to be there.

135
00:10:42,170 --> 00:10:43,220
Get to be there.

136
00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:44,890
You had to be there.

137
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:49,170
You had to be there. You had to be
there. It was juvenile.

138
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:53,030
It was something wild. Part of every
child.

139
00:10:53,410 --> 00:10:56,410
Yeah, you had to be there. Tough and
tough.

140
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It was peace and love.

141
00:10:58,410 --> 00:10:59,570
All of the above.

142
00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:01,930
Yeah, you had to be there.

143
00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:06,590
Juvenile. It was something wild. Part of
every child.

144
00:11:07,050 --> 00:11:08,750
Yeah, you had to be there.

145
00:11:08,970 --> 00:11:10,020
Tough and tough.

146
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,240
It's for peace and love, all of the
above.

147
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,520
Yeah, you have to be there.

148
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,160
This is a little awkward.

149
00:11:50,780 --> 00:11:54,200
It's okay, Mimi. I'm over you. I've
moved on.

150
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:58,060
Look me in the eye and tell me that.

151
00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:01,110
I can't.

152
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,700
Peter, I'm married now.

153
00:12:05,340 --> 00:12:07,320
You've got to get on with your life.

154
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:12,840
How can I forget you when I have to look
at this every day?

155
00:12:16,010 --> 00:12:19,150
Ten minutes in a bathroom in a state
park. Get over it.

156
00:12:21,990 --> 00:12:23,040
Whiskey.

157
00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:34,180
Hey, Julie.

158
00:12:34,930 --> 00:12:35,980
Looking good today?

159
00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:38,480
Hey, Julie.

160
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:39,990
Would you like to dance?

161
00:12:42,530 --> 00:12:43,580
Oh, no.

162
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,460
Ah, what a time to get a zit.

163
00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:48,590
Ah,

164
00:12:48,591 --> 00:12:50,019
ah, ah.

165
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:52,840
I wouldn't do that if I were you, my
friend.

166
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:54,730
Who are you?

167
00:12:55,140 --> 00:13:00,299
I'm just a pimple about town who's
forgotten more about women than you will

168
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:05,260
know. Now, if you want to win over this
Julie, you better listen to me.

169
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:12,539
First of all... It's Julie

170
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:13,279
right now.

171
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:14,330
What do you think?

172
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,900
Ah, say, she's a pretty lass.

173
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,500
Reminds me of a whitehead I dated back
in 42.

174
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:24,840
Now, let's onward to victory.

175
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:29,570
Hi, Julie.

176
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,500
Max. Tell her her eyes are as crystal
blue as the Mediterranean.

177
00:13:35,501 --> 00:13:37,159
I don't know.

178
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,440
Don't worry. I'll be right here.

179
00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:44,580
Um... Your eyes are as crystal blue as
the Mediterranean.

180
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:48,660
Max, that's so sweet.

181
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,919
It worked.

182
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,500
The deal is closed. Now yank your
panties down.

183
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:53,930
What?

184
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,090
Did I stutter?

185
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,960
Yank and spank, my boy.

186
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,550
Yank and spank. I don't want to do that.
I don't want to yank and spank.

187
00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:02,000
What are you talking about?

188
00:14:02,001 --> 00:14:04,679
Well, my zit wants me to yank your
panties down and spank you.

189
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,659
Your zit?

190
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:06,710
Yeah, see, look.

191
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:08,830
Gross.

192
00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:12,040
Gross, am I? Kill her, Max. Kill her.

193
00:14:12,990 --> 00:14:15,400
Unless it wants me to kill you, you'd
better run.

194
00:14:16,150 --> 00:14:19,790
You'd better run, you snobbit, or I
swear by all that's holier!

195
00:14:20,950 --> 00:14:22,230
Hey, look, it's Sugar Ray.

196
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:51,739
Hold on, I'll stay here by your side. We
head up to the sky, then we'll slide

197
00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,120
back down.

198
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,740
Upside down, try to figure out.

199
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:04,539
Not sure if we can work it out. I wanna
be alone, but you feel

200
00:15:04,540 --> 00:15:05,590
like home.

201
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:11,840
It's the fall, I know that you're home.

202
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:18,720
I wanna get you alone and do it again,
do it again.

203
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:24,540
Answer the phone, I am at your home.

204
00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:30,980
I wanna get you alone and do it again,
do it again.

205
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:38,160
The signals are flashing red. It doesn't
matter what we say.

206
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:42,760
This bed is much too big without me and
you.

207
00:15:44,340 --> 00:15:47,140
This all seems so ridiculous.

208
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:50,680
Why can't we just get over this?

209
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:56,399
Don't make me say the obvious without
you. Answer

210
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,000
the phone.

211
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,740
I know that you're home.

212
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,600
I want to get you alone.

213
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,180
And do it again.

214
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:08,470
Do it again.

215
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,580
And stop the phone.

216
00:16:11,940 --> 00:16:14,240
I know that you're home.

217
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:16,940
I want to get you alone.

218
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,460
And do it again.

219
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:20,750
Do it again.

220
00:16:34,990 --> 00:16:39,810
I practiced all my life to tell him why
he was sleeping.

221
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:45,850
I practiced all my life to tell him why
he was sleeping.

222
00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:51,970
I practiced all my life to tell him why
he was sleeping.

223
00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:02,250
I practiced all my life to tell him why
he was sleeping.

224
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:04,789
I

225
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:16,189
want

226
00:17:16,190 --> 00:17:19,470
to get you.

227
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:36,989
Do it again, yeah!

228
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:43,749
Do it again, do it again I wanna do it
again, do it again Come on, do

229
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:48,930
it again, do it again I wanna do it
again, do it again

230
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,260
ready to go back to my house?

231
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:11,040
You know, the Drew Carey show is a big
show. I seem to get a hotel for us.

232
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,570
Yeah, you'd think.

233
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:16,200
So do you have a guest room for us?

234
00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:18,060
Nope. Extra beds?

235
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:19,590
Nope.

236
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,110
So we're not going to get any sleep
tonight?

237
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:23,930
Nope.

238
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,010
You look like a woman on Peter
Frampton's chest.

239
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,720
Yep. Let's go.

240
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:36,670
I'm going to do something later that's
going to need a little drum roll.

241
00:18:36,891 --> 00:18:41,359
Hi, everybody. Hope you had a good time
tonight.

242
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,259
You know, we make fun of teachers in
school a lot tonight. I just want to be

243
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:45,520
serious just for a moment.

244
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:49,520
You know, teachers in America are one of
our most valuable resources.

245
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,359
The sad fact is that they're overworked
and underpaid, and they deserve a lot

246
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,680
more respect than they get.

247
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,310
Except for one.

248
00:18:57,311 --> 00:19:01,899
This is Irene Freeman, my grade school
teacher from Cleveland, Ohio.

249
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:03,210
You suck! Freeman!

250
00:19:03,211 --> 00:19:06,889
I don't know if you're still alive or
not, but if you're not, I hope you're in

251
00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:10,590
hell, and they have television there,
and my show's on 24 hours a day.

252
00:19:11,110 --> 00:19:12,160
Right, here.

253
00:19:12,330 --> 00:19:13,410
This is this, Freeman.

254
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:14,780
Look there.

255
00:19:15,410 --> 00:19:16,460
Spooch on that.

256
00:19:16,461 --> 00:19:18,449
You know something else? I was right.

257
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:21,220
You don't need math after you graduate.
I don't use math.

258
00:19:22,190 --> 00:19:23,990
Anyway, that's your show. Good night.

259
00:19:25,090 --> 00:19:28,880
Hey! Hey, Drew, what's up, man? Hey,
Drew, we're having a great wrap party,

260
00:19:28,881 --> 00:19:31,689
Everybody's going to be there, beautiful
women, and all the free beer you can

261
00:19:31,690 --> 00:19:33,689
drink. Oh, cool. Just tell me where it
is. I'm there. All right, check it out.

262
00:19:33,690 --> 00:19:36,929
We're going to take a train from
Cleveland to Chicago, traveling 30 miles

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00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:40,509
hour, and after 50 minutes, we're going
to get off, and that's where the party

264
00:19:40,510 --> 00:19:41,950
is. We'll see you there.

265
00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:43,280
All right.

266
00:19:45,910 --> 00:19:46,960
Hi,

267
00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:50,980
Mom.

268
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,009
Yeah, hey.

269
00:19:52,010 --> 00:19:54,300
Sorry to bother you during West Wing,
but, uh...

270
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,740
I was on a train from Cleveland to
Chicago, and I was going 30 miles an

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00:19:58,820 --> 00:19:59,870
and I gave up.

272
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:16,240
Hi, Chewie.

273
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,370
You!

274
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:20,660
Spit out that gum.

275
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:29,989
When I was 16 on a really hot summer
day, I'd wrap my lips around one of

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00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:31,039
and...

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00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:35,590
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